Unpopular Opinions

Folks, today I am going to be blogging about toilet paper. Please feel free to leave at any point, because I am about to voice my controversial opinion about the over/under debate that rages on. If you had told me as a child that I would one day have a strong opinion about the orientation of a toilet paper roll, well, I'd believe you because I was kind of a dorky kid. Logic would dictate that this is an utterly inconsequential issue, but nearly everyone has an opinion. Some (i.e. me and nearly everyone else I know) verge on maniacal in ours.

I am a strong proponent of the under orientation. I know that I'm in the minority, but I don't care. I'm right, here is why:

Issue #1: Premature tearing
This is arguably the biggest reason why over makes no sense to me. Toilet paper, by nature, is incredibly flimsy. Even if you spring for a cushy brand of 2 ply, that paper needs to be ultra soft in order to flush. Whenever I have used an over oriented roll, I have taken the first sheet and pulled gently to get the 2 or 3 more squares that I require. Every single time, the first square -maybe the first 2 squares if I'm lucky- have torn off due to these flimsy sheets not being able to pull the whole roll around. Every time! This never happens when the roll is under.

Issue #1a: Ease of tearing
The under orientation allows you to quickly and easily tug the roll up and to the side, tearing the paper with the under roll providing counterbalance. Basic momentum, people.

Issue #2: Placement of the new start of the roll
When toilet paper is in the over orientation, it takes nearly half the roll before the new starting point dangles over. This is where all toiler paper diagrams (including the one above) are inaccurate and is something that is never considered when the over people are arguing their point. When the roll is new, the starting point is always at the very top of the roll, unless you make a concerted effort to turn the roll. The vast majority of people can't be bothered to turn toilet paper tearing into the 2 hand job required for letting the paper dangle. This positioning makes no sense and only serves to exacerbate the issue of premature tearing. The paper naturally wants to fall away from the roll in the under orientation. It's gravity!


Unless you are in a hotel where the first sheet folded into a triangle serves as proof that the bathroom has been cleaned, is there even a point to having the roll start in front? Unless you are making those daily triangles, it certainly doesn't look as nice. It just makes it easier for small pets to bat at and ultimately unravel the roll.

Refutations for arguments made by over people:

Statement: "If the paper is printed, it looks better when hung over the top"
Response: You are really buying printed toilet paper? Really? What print do you feel so strongly about that you want to rub it against your nether regions?

Statement: "The paper may touch the wall"
Response: Unless you leave an absurd amount hanging, no it won't. Also, this is your home we are talking about. How filthy are your walls that toilet paper brushing against them is cause for concern?

Statement: "You have to reach so much further to get the paper when it's under"
Response: Bitch are you crazy? Unless your over oriented roll is nearly gone (see above) it's a matter of reaching up or down. Try not to strain yourself.

Statement: "When the roll is under, I pull too hard and unravel a ridiculous amount of toilet paper"
Response: Try to not pull the door off its hinges on the way out, Flex.

I think that is probably enough hot debating for now. Especially when I'm writing this post alone and only working myself into a lather (though I know when Taylor reads this, she will be furious). I am fortunate that Steven truly doesn't care either way, and we don't have a contentious domestic partnership where each one constantly tries to undermine the other by switching the roll. What I'm basically getting at is this: don't come to my house and try to re-orient my roll. And don't expect me to not judge you if you are an over person. The end.