Parking Wars

We've been living in our apartment for nearly 4 months without complaint. Our complex is broken up into roughly fifteen three floor buildings which are split by a breezeway, as seen in the picture above. We have an upstairs apartment with only one shared wall, and either that wall is very thick or we have very quiet neighbors. The trash is removed in a timely fashion, the people in the office are nice, and everything works the way it should. Everything, that is, except the parking. When we moved in we were told that there is ample parking, but as a courtesy we should park one car in the row of maybe 10 spots immediately in front of our building and the other across the lot, in order to give everyone in our building one close spot. Seeing as my car was still in New Jersey until about 2 weeks ago, this wasn't a big deal. Steven regularly had 2 or 3 close spots to choose from at night and all was well.

And then we noticed the clunker. Well, I first noticed it when we moved in. It's hard not to. The clunker is at least 20 years old, possibly older, and is completely filled with stuff. Strollers (yes, I'm pretty sure there are more than one), papers, a bucket with a nasty sponge, and who knows what else. It's like someone decided to use an old car as mobile storage unit/garbage heap. So it's a complete eyesore, which is bad enough, but it is permanently parked in one of the close spots. It has literally not moved once in 4 months. While this irked me, we still had at least two close spots to choose from, so it wasn't a huge deal.

Fast forward to the day our new neighbors moved in downstairs. I don't want to make sweeping generalizations about them, but they are from a state known for toothlessness and widespread obesity (here's a hint, it's "west" of a certain mid-Atlantic state) and one of their cars has a beauty school bumper sticker and a steering wheel cover that says "Goddess" in a repulsive font. Within days of moving in, they had visitors knock at their door, loudly, after midnight which caused the dog in the apartment across from us to bark, which caused the offending visitors to be louder. Their late night callers seemed to stop after the first few days but now we have a new problem. They apparently missed the memo about courtesy parking and park both of their vehicles in spots in front of the building every night. And if that isn't inconsiderate enough, Miss West Virginia Beauty School Goddess parked her car IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TWO PRIME SPACES last night! Taking up a total of three prime spaces! I was truly incredulous. What is wrong with these people? Have they set out to ruin my life? Sure the other row of parking is still relatively close to the building BUT WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PARK THERE! WE DESERVE A PRIME SPOT! CAPITAL LETTERS ARE THE ONLY WAY TO TEXTUALLY DESCRIBE MY RAGE!

Now I'm mad whenever I go outside. Our quiet neighbors have guests over who park on the good side. RAAAAAGE. The West Virginia people haven't left the apartment all day and are still parked side by side right in front of the building. EYE TWITCH. The clunker sits unmoved, full of baby accoutrements with an inspection sticker that expired in 2008. EYE TWITCHING HAND SHAKING RAAAAGE.

It may be lame, but I'm a rules girl at heart and I've also been raised to fear seeming discourteous. You are supposed to park in one spot, not two. You are supposed to get your car inspected. You aren't supposed to park it in a spot and presumably not move it for 3 years. When your guests are being loud outside your apartment at midnight (on a weeknight!) you shush them because they are being rude. While I realize that we could have it much, much worse in terms of terrible neighbors (growing up, we once had a neighbor who threatened to run my mother over with a bike and left erotic pictures of herself in the front seat of her car) I still feel that they are cramping our style. The only good thing that has come out of this, is that Steven and I have gotten so annoyed about the parking that Steven talked to the people in the office about the clunker and now it will (hopefully) be towed. I'm assuming the office people check to make sure it doesn't belong to someone who currently lives here, but I don't actually know. Who cares? Not me! I think I want to set off fireworks when it finally happens.

Unpopular Opinions

Folks, today I am going to be blogging about toilet paper. Please feel free to leave at any point, because I am about to voice my controversial opinion about the over/under debate that rages on. If you had told me as a child that I would one day have a strong opinion about the orientation of a toilet paper roll, well, I'd believe you because I was kind of a dorky kid. Logic would dictate that this is an utterly inconsequential issue, but nearly everyone has an opinion. Some (i.e. me and nearly everyone else I know) verge on maniacal in ours.

I am a strong proponent of the under orientation. I know that I'm in the minority, but I don't care. I'm right, here is why:

Issue #1: Premature tearing
This is arguably the biggest reason why over makes no sense to me. Toilet paper, by nature, is incredibly flimsy. Even if you spring for a cushy brand of 2 ply, that paper needs to be ultra soft in order to flush. Whenever I have used an over oriented roll, I have taken the first sheet and pulled gently to get the 2 or 3 more squares that I require. Every single time, the first square -maybe the first 2 squares if I'm lucky- have torn off due to these flimsy sheets not being able to pull the whole roll around. Every time! This never happens when the roll is under.

Issue #1a: Ease of tearing
The under orientation allows you to quickly and easily tug the roll up and to the side, tearing the paper with the under roll providing counterbalance. Basic momentum, people.

Issue #2: Placement of the new start of the roll
When toilet paper is in the over orientation, it takes nearly half the roll before the new starting point dangles over. This is where all toiler paper diagrams (including the one above) are inaccurate and is something that is never considered when the over people are arguing their point. When the roll is new, the starting point is always at the very top of the roll, unless you make a concerted effort to turn the roll. The vast majority of people can't be bothered to turn toilet paper tearing into the 2 hand job required for letting the paper dangle. This positioning makes no sense and only serves to exacerbate the issue of premature tearing. The paper naturally wants to fall away from the roll in the under orientation. It's gravity!


Unless you are in a hotel where the first sheet folded into a triangle serves as proof that the bathroom has been cleaned, is there even a point to having the roll start in front? Unless you are making those daily triangles, it certainly doesn't look as nice. It just makes it easier for small pets to bat at and ultimately unravel the roll.

Refutations for arguments made by over people:

Statement: "If the paper is printed, it looks better when hung over the top"
Response: You are really buying printed toilet paper? Really? What print do you feel so strongly about that you want to rub it against your nether regions?

Statement: "The paper may touch the wall"
Response: Unless you leave an absurd amount hanging, no it won't. Also, this is your home we are talking about. How filthy are your walls that toilet paper brushing against them is cause for concern?

Statement: "You have to reach so much further to get the paper when it's under"
Response: Bitch are you crazy? Unless your over oriented roll is nearly gone (see above) it's a matter of reaching up or down. Try not to strain yourself.

Statement: "When the roll is under, I pull too hard and unravel a ridiculous amount of toilet paper"
Response: Try to not pull the door off its hinges on the way out, Flex.

I think that is probably enough hot debating for now. Especially when I'm writing this post alone and only working myself into a lather (though I know when Taylor reads this, she will be furious). I am fortunate that Steven truly doesn't care either way, and we don't have a contentious domestic partnership where each one constantly tries to undermine the other by switching the roll. What I'm basically getting at is this: don't come to my house and try to re-orient my roll. And don't expect me to not judge you if you are an over person. The end.